I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
