We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
