I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
