Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
