I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
