the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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