Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
home. puking in laundry basket.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
