I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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