Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
