he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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