You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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