Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
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