Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
