I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
