When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
