I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
