there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
