She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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