i jhust puked up my retainher.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i came on her dog
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize