Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
