Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize