i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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