I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
