You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
