I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
