I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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