What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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