Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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