I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
