textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize