She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Houston, we have a blender
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
