We won't sleep together?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
