he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
