i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
