My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i need some magic done to my vagina
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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