he thought i was a dude.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
