she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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