Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
