So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
