he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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