Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
