I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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