Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
