Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize