Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
