I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
