To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
