Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
