man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize