I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You're breaking my sexual little heart
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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