There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
