I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
