Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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