Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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