....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
