for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
