Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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