Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This is the high leading the old right now
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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