So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
