I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
