i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
