I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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