I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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