She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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