things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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