I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
