just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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