Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
