God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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