her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Found the puke drawer
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
