Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
