Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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