I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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