Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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